Tuesday, August 16, 2011

one year ago today

You learn to swallow your pride for the people you love and care most about because if you don't, pride is the surest and quickest way to lose someone who means a lot to you. Easier said than done but the hardest things to learn in life are often the things that are always worth it. (Written one year ago, today and still holds true).

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

burnt toast

I am looking for the strength to forgive. I cannot come to peace with these people who have hurt me in so many ways. To befriend someone who has stripped you of your worth and dignity, how can I possibly do that? I wish I could just walk away and forget these demons of my past, but unfortunately I’m forever connected because of someone I love and refuse to let go of. I feel this constant battle… I want to try for the sake of my relationship, but I don’t know how to accept and forgive without feeling as though I’m the one at fault? Why am I being punished for their wrongdoings? Why am I the one who has to put forth the effort? Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to not want to acknowledge them as part of my life when they are a constant reminder of the part of me that makes me hate myself? There are so many questions. I really don’t feel safe. My guard is up and my trust is low. I shouldn’t feel this way… it’s such an uneasy feeling. I don’t know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.

I never wanted to depend on anyone but myself. Honestly, the only place I want to be is with him but the sad truth is I know I will never truly be with him 100% because of the circumstance we are in. I feel betrayed but at the same time I understand his need. I will never strip him of these people he considers friends, but I don’t know how to be a part of someone’s life when the other part of him is the part that breaks me. I’m afraid that this is going to be the make or break factor in our relationship. I want to make him happy, but I feel that would be going against everything I believe it. I’d be stripping myself of my integrity… making myself vulnerable again for someone else’s sake. I’m sick of that. I’m sick of these demons. I don’t want to change who I am for someone else. I’m sick of being something I’m not so other people will accept me. I won’t do it. I’m afraid that this stubbornness is going to drive my relationship to pieces. And I will end up losing this battle after all.

So what do I do? Should I be strong, stand my ground and stay true to my beliefs? Or should I succumb to their desires? I’m afraid of getting burned again. But I guess I’ll never know unless I try.

Friday, May 13, 2011

lover's appetite

We talk like we know what’s going on, but we don’t. We don’t know anything. We’re young and we’re gonna screw-up a lot. We’re gonna keep changing our minds and even sometimes our hearts. And through all that, the only real thing we can offer each other is FORGIVENESS.

Friday, March 18, 2011

i don't know what the hell i'm doing.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

fox in sox

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”
— John Quincy Adams

Friday, February 25, 2011

how to

I haven't laughed so freely and so loudly like I did tonight - in a while! Seriously, laughter is THE BEST remedy! When you need something as simple as laughter, God grants it! Then you always have to remember that he never gives you more than he KNOWS you can handle. & that is a comforting realization. Tonight I learned that I should never downplay what I've worked hard for just to fit in or to be accepted by others because true friends will let you shine and encourage you to be your very best. I know I don't know it all but I am willing to learn and I am so grateful for those who are willing to teach me. Thank you God for blessing me with your love and guidance.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

my prayer

Dear God,

Please take away this envious spirit. Let me move on and not worry about what's going on in other peoples lives. Let me be happy for those around me who deserve the blessings you are granting them and still happy for those who dont. (LOL) I trust in you. Thank you for loving me despite my imperfections.


(Thank you, Nyisha Causey)