on the other side of town

Sometimes I feel more comfortable around strangers than I do around the people I know. There's something nice about not having the weight of expectation resting on your shoulders everywhere you go.

I "people watch" often... I don't do it to judge though... I do it because I'm easily fascinated with the way people move, act, speak, carry themselves, etc. Everyone is so beautiful in their own little way. I think if we just take the time to people watch and really appreciate something about someone other than focusing on something that leads you to judge them we'd all be a little happier with ourselves and our environment?

I don't know, just a thought...

swordfish

I'm supposed to be writing an academic paper right now but instead, i'm here. I'm here because there's this huge black bubble floating around in my mind... invading my thoughts. That big black bubble consists of deceit, betrayal, disbelief, sadness and confusion. It's personal... and so i'd never broadcast it over the internet for your reading pleasure but I just wanted to let you know that's what brought me here... because there's really no where else to go.

I'm afraid of how it will all turn out... i'm not talking about school.. even though that is all that seems to occupy my life right now.. but i'm talking about something deeper.. something that hits close to the heart's home. I want to be strong for my family's sake but I'm torn and I'm scared. I'm waiting for some kind of sign from God that will help me figure out exactly what i'm supposed to do... I prayed and prayed for things to get better for a long time now but it seems it has only gotten worse. How could this turn out this way?

I just want everything to be okay. I feel so sad. I'm helpless... that's the worst feeling in the world... when you watch your loved ones slowly lose themselves and there's nothing you can do but watch it happen. & I can't even be there because of fucking school.... What's going to happen... the anticipation is killing me. I just want everyone to be okay. It's going to get ugly. It has only just begun.

"If you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward you'll always be in the same place. Go get it!"

After several weeks of contemplating whether or not I should collect more recyclables, I finally got off my butt to sort out the materials and prepare them to be turned in. My sister was the one who inspired me to really start recycling. It might not seem like a big deal but, really... it is! Our world is deteriorating right before our eyes and nobody really seems to give a crap. It's almost as if "going green" is just the new fad that will eventually, just like every other fad, wither away. I hope I'm wrong.

School has been extremely tough. It only seems like it's going to get busier and harder as the weeks progress but secretly, I LOVE IT! What would I be doing with myself right now if I didn't have school? Thank God for education! I love the new friendships and relationships i'm building with the other students in my cohort. It's good to be around people who enjoy learning as much as I do and who can having fun while doing it. I'm hopeful.

I had quite a few things to say but now I can't seem to remember what they were. So i'll cut this short and reconvene with you all later. Ta-ta!

insufficient funds

"Stay committed to your decision but flexible in your approach"

I am on a money diet. No joke. I'm not sure how I will pay for next month's rent yet but it's going to happen. Financial aid has yet to disperse but until that day comes, i'll be flat out ultra broke. 

I've been questioning loyalty a lot lately.  I don't have many people in my life who are loyal. Even my closest friends aren't as loyal as I expect them to be. Maybe that's my fault for not being too vocal about the issue but I wish people had the decency to know what being a good friend entails. 

On another note. I believe that when you're truly sorry for something you did or didn't do, there should be no stopping you from apologizing. Pride set aside, when you're truly seeking forgiveness you do whatever it takes to make the wrongs - right. People who are waiting to say sorry either don't really care too much about it or don't feel accountable for the situation when clearly it's their fault. If you're waiting for the right time, you'll be waiting forever. Time waits for no one. If you're sincere, it will come out naturally. 

Even through all the hustle and bustle of grad school, i've been trying to find a way to balance out of my life between studying and making time for myself. So far it has been a success. No, I don't party as much as I used to but I also don't lock myself up in my room and spend forever studying either. I've been feeling a lot more healthier - emotionally and I think that has helped me find that balance in life. Grad school is so much more exciting than undergrad. It's refreshing to be in a room full of people who share the same passion for learning as you and everyone is there to help each other out... no one is left behind.  

On another note, my Lola passed away this last Tuesday. It really hasn't hit me yet but i'm sure it will come this weekend. I'm scared. I'm glad that I had a chance to say my goodbyes 2 weeks ago.... and the doctors had already prepared us for the outcome. So in a sense you can say it made it all a little bit easier to accept but it still hurts like hell nonetheless. I trust that she is in the Lord's care now and with my Lolo in heaven. R.I.P. Lola. We love you.

it's dangerous.

My housemate's boyfriend's best friend committed suicide yesterday... and although I didn't know him it made me angry and sad inside because that's another person who gave up on himself. I wish he could have seen that living is always the better choice regardless of the circumstance.. because "God will make you walk through hell before he lets you into heaven"... but I know from experience that it's not always that easy.

 I was angry with myself because although I do my best to practice forgiveness, I somehow let those hateful words and actions that were targeted toward me in the past hurt me still -- even today. And I want to hate you because you make the pain I feel and all the insecurities I have come to life.... I feel small in your presence and I shut down because I promised myself I'd be civil and choose peace. It's hard to be the "bigger person" when you feel so insignificant. All I can do is swallow my pride so that it's comfortable for everyone else.. it sucks. It sucks even more because you don't know how words can affect someone.. words truly cut deep and trigger emotions.. it doesn't matter how many years has passed by... people may forget what you said or did but they'll never forget how you made them feel.  

...may he rest in peace and may his friends and family have the support and love they need in this crucial time. 

mary mary quite contrary

i'm guilty as charged. i'm a flower picker -- i can't help it. it's a habit i've had since i was little. it's super cliche to say that i love flowers... but i really do. they make me happy. and i love picking flowers and giving them to people i love. i stole a flower from the ride "it's a small world" at disneyland and gave it to one of my best friends and she smiled and that made me hella happy. 

i realized that my favorite part of the day is when the sky is orange and purple and everything under the sky is black. it's the most beautiful sight-- ever. 

rhod makes me happy. our love is not perfect but it's a good love. the kind that keeps me on my toes and helps me appreciate the small things in life... the kinds of things people tend to forget about until you find that person who makes everything.... EVERYTHING.. worth while. 

i read this on someone's status the other day and thought it was worth posting again... here it goes... “Don’t be jealous— be friendly towards those who are happy. Be compassionate towards those who are suffering. Be inspired by people doing admirable things. Don’t judge the wrongdoings of others. This will keep the calmness of the mind.”

scruff mcgruff

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. Fear is never a reason for quitting; it is only an excuse." - unknown

Today I stood on a glass balcony on the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower.  I was wobbly at first but then I did it... it was exhilarating. Every time I think about how it felt to be up there and how I WASN'T afraid - afterall, makes me smile.. because now know that I can do it.. and I'm not just talking about overcoming my fear of heights... it's so much more than that. ;)    

insidious thoughts

"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind... the race is long, but in the end, it's only with yourself" -B. Lurhman

I'm not an expert on these types of things but all I really know is that I am a dependable person. And although many might consider that to be a strong trait to have, I feel like it one of my biggest weaknesses. 

People know they can count on me for a lot of things so a lot of the times they call on me to help them fix their problems or even when they just want or need something to be done. It should be flattering, really... but half the time it's not... because as much as I love to help those who need it, I've come to realize that some of those people who ask are looking for an easier way to get what they want and really just taking advantage of my knowledge/experience.

I've come to recognize that some of those "friends" really aren't friends at all. In fact, they are anything but a friend... they use people like me to "one-up" (for lack of a better term) their status in society. That's foul... and I know that life is not fair but I definitely do not agree with foul play.  

Friends care how life is like on both sides of the fence.. yours and theirs.. not just theirs. They care to ask how your life has been, too. There's no problem with doing your own thing but don't use other people to get to where you want to be. "Cheaters never prosper" and if you've cheated a friend to help you get ahead in your career or educational goals, it will come back and bite you in the ass because all the people you meet on your way up in this world are the same people you'll meet on your way down so don't take advantage and don't be inconsiderate. Sometimes all someone wants/needs to hear is "How are you?" just to know that someone cares to even ask how their day is going can make a difference.

i haven't blogged in a while but this has been a recurring theme within these past couple weeks. 

deprevation

I just smashed two ants that I found crawling around on my desk. This is how I know summertime is creeping around the corner. Ants want to live on the inside so they don't fry to death on the outside. Too bad I'm a big mean ant smasher. Please don't tell my students.. 

Last week, they picketed out on the field, raving "Save the Ants! Save the Ants! Save the Ants!" with little signs made out of construction paper out on the soccer field. They were highly disturbed that the principal ordered toxins to be poured out on the grass to kill the dangerous fire red ants swarming around the children's play area. I thought it was very cute that they did that... although it was a little sad that their efforts did not pay off in the end. Safety first... that's a hard concept to grasp when you're young, innocent and free.

On another note, I've decided to stop depriving myself from doing things that make me happy. For instance, I stopped watching Grey's Anatomy after the 3rd season when I left Santa Cruz because it was so bittersweet to watch the show w/o my housemates and all alone... so I haven't seen an episode since Burke left Christina at the altar (2007).... Last night, I found a website that had all the episodes for seasons 4 & 5 and I've decided that I'm going to continue watching even if i have to watch alone because I shouldn't have to deprive myself from a show I love.. I deserve it. Coincidentally, the first episode of Season 4 was called "A Change is Gonna Come"... how appropriate for this day in age :)

freewheeling

"When you change the way you look at things, the thing you're looking at changes..." -unknown.

There's so much truth in this one caption. When I think about where life has taken me in the past 2,3, and even 4 years, i realize that it all happened so that i could become a better and stronger version on me. I wish I could help those who feel lost/confused/alone/etc. and let them know that they will BE OKAY. There's so many blessings in each of our lives and if we just open ourselves up to the beauty in even the smallest and simplest part of our surroundings, we would realize it. The past couple weeks I've learned to let go and accept my life... i've learned to be thankful for what my life is and is not and I've been the happiest I've been in a long time.  

spirit of adventure

"It's not worth it to sacrifice your own integrity for someone else..." - E. Alcid

A friend of mine told me to embrace the richness of life. To do this, I have to let my dreams touch the sky, learn to love the true me, allow myself to see the wisdom in others while respecting where I am and never forgetting where I came from & to experience the world with amazement... 

Then, i was given a ticket to go anywhere i wanted... 

and i realized it didn't matter to me where i went as long as i was with you.  

deposit

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves" - Buddha

Whenever it's that time of the month again, my mind overflows with these bittersweet, sometimes negative memories/thoughts & i feel insanely destructive... if Buddha is right, then I am ultimately screwed. 

95% of the time I am at peace with life and myself but for those few days when the hormones are taking over me and messing with my emotions, I find myself in this deep dark hole that I can't seem to escape.  It's good to know that this feeling is only present 5% of the time and in a few days, I will be back in the lime light. 

Besides, there has to be balance. Can't "always be rainbows and butterflies". I've always been better off just going with the flow anyway, so i'll just go ahead and do that.  

proven

"Make health and your personal relationships your number one priority because believe me you'll always have to work." -C. Bagube

Well said sister! You truly are the best advice giver EVER. i love you. You help me keep my eye on the important things in life. You inspire me to really LIVE and i appreciate that. So THANK YOU. 

On Another note....

I am now a college graduate :) Thank you Mom, Dad, AC2J, Rhoderick, Gramps/Grams/Lolo/Lola, extended family, friends & professors. I literally could not have done it without you. Thank you for being my stars, supporters and loves. I'm very blessed. :) 

This summer is gonna be off the hook!

goodbye waves & driveways

"Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks."

I am currently at my favorite coffee shop on the corner of Del Amo and Palo Verde prepping myself for a night full of studying. I am overtly stalling because i am so unbelievably exhausted & can't stay focused! I keep telling myself that I need to snap out of it and get myself together for one more week but I truly just want to sit back and enjoy the day doing absolutely nothing... that would be simply satisfying! 

Too bad, I can't. ):

Last night I decided to no longer make decisions based on what other people want. I always find myself doing that. But not anymore. I've decided to end a chapter in my life, which obviously was written in the past and that's where it should stay. I've been holding on way too long to how things used to be and who people WERE... & I don't want to live that way anymore. I learned that I can STILL keep those memories with me, but I will no longer allow those memories to have the power to dictate my actions and/or feelings. There's nothing left there for me and I'm not going back. From now on, I'm looking forward and onward. I'm free.  

It's a scary but beautiful feeling.  

paramour

I have a love who is beautiful and who makes everywhere I go with him, my home :) Happy Anniversary my Darling. I love you. Keeping the faith since 2005. 

soleil

I want to be open to the whole spectrum of life around me... 

God DOES work in mysterious ways. I was at the brink of losing hope when a letter came via snail mail and offered me a spot in the Fall 2009 MEPN program! At least now I know all my hard work did not go to waste and all those sacrifices are falling right into place. Someone wants me.. and all this time I thought I was going to be stuck warming the bench and now I have the opportunity to be a starter :) This is definitely the boost I needed right before finals and right before graduation. 

Education opens the door to bigger and better opportunities and paves the way to helping others and I am very excited. Graduate school, here I come! 

p.s. I borrow that pic from my little sister (thanks oinky). Mother Teresa really knows what's up. ;)   

provocative

Today is the second day in a row that I've made myself a turkey, avocado, tomato & swiss cheese panini for lunch. Delicious much? Hella. AND it's helping me save a lot of money which I enjoy because I don't have a lot of it. I've been trying to cop some tickets for the Third Eye Blind concert at Humphrey's by the Bay in downtown SD in June. That would be an amazing graduation present =)! Speaking of graduation... I have yet to pick up my cap and gown but I'm waiting for my paycheck to do so. Lame, huh? There's so much work to do in the next week and a half but it will all be worth it. EB says it'll all work out for the best and I'm a firm believer in that. I'm rockin' Rhod's green Italia shirt right now. I thought about changing but it's so comfortable that I'm gonna wear it all day and at work. Speaking of work, I should probably head over to Irvine now so I'm not late! Oh, and before I forget, my personal goal today is to listen to others and lend a helping hand without being asked. Have an amazing day friend.     

my forte

I went to bed last night in my night gown with a cup of tea, a home & garden magazine and a chocolate chip cookie. When I pulled up the sheets, I realized that I'm turning into my mother, and that made me smile. <3 

Dead on

"Let go of negative things today -- it will be easier than ever before, because your mind is eager to move on to more positive endeavors. One way is to release yourself from being responsible for other people's happiness -- you have to let them take care of their own issues. Instead, start focusing more on the new opportunities coming your way soon. Have faith and hope that things are only going to get better, and they will".

I am home for Mother's Day Weekend. It feels so nice to be with my family. I needed a break from my life in LA. Gramps is here visiting, too. He's great to have around. He is a constant reminder of how beautiful life is and important is it to have a relationship with God. My sister is teaching me how to cook curry chicken and my we're gonna BBQ today and have a picnic in the backyard! MY favorite :) Happy Mother's Day to all!  

sailing

For a few hours I was transported into a simpler 19th-century lifestyle, where strolling in a beautiful garden was an understandable passion.

I realized that just "being" can feel so liberating... similar to the feeling of going commando. No one has  to know you're breaking the rules, plus you can do it so freely! It's amazing... & "you don't have to lie to kick it". Sometimes I forget to take a step back to look at my life. I realize it's not that bad after all. Yes, maybe it's not as glamorous as the next person's but I really do appreciate everything and everyone that is around me.     

Welcome to my new blog. Thank you for taking the time to read my daily jibberish. I think you're wonderful. Have an amazing day, friend. :)