I am looking for the strength to forgive. I cannot come to peace with these people who have hurt me in so many ways. To befriend someone who has stripped you of your worth and dignity, how can I possibly do that? I wish I could just walk away and forget these demons of my past, but unfortunately I’m forever connected because of someone I love and refuse to let go of. I feel this constant battle… I want to try for the sake of my relationship, but I don’t know how to accept and forgive without feeling as though I’m the one at fault? Why am I being punished for their wrongdoings? Why am I the one who has to put forth the effort? Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to not want to acknowledge them as part of my life when they are a constant reminder of the part of me that makes me hate myself? There are so many questions. I really don’t feel safe. My guard is up and my trust is low. I shouldn’t feel this way… it’s such an uneasy feeling. I don’t know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.
I never wanted to depend on anyone but myself. Honestly, the only place I want to be is with him but the sad truth is I know I will never truly be with him 100% because of the circumstance we are in. I feel betrayed but at the same time I understand his need. I will never strip him of these people he considers friends, but I don’t know how to be a part of someone’s life when the other part of him is the part that breaks me. I’m afraid that this is going to be the make or break factor in our relationship. I want to make him happy, but I feel that would be going against everything I believe it. I’d be stripping myself of my integrity… making myself vulnerable again for someone else’s sake. I’m sick of that. I’m sick of these demons. I don’t want to change who I am for someone else. I’m sick of being something I’m not so other people will accept me. I won’t do it. I’m afraid that this stubbornness is going to drive my relationship to pieces. And I will end up losing this battle after all.
So what do I do? Should I be strong, stand my ground and stay true to my beliefs? Or should I succumb to their desires? I’m afraid of getting burned again. But I guess I’ll never know unless I try.
