one year ago today

You learn to swallow your pride for the people you love and care most about because if you don't, pride is the surest and quickest way to lose someone who means a lot to you. Easier said than done but the hardest things to learn in life are often the things that are always worth it. (Written one year ago, today and still holds true).

burnt toast

I am looking for the strength to forgive. I cannot come to peace with these people who have hurt me in so many ways. To befriend someone who has stripped you of your worth and dignity, how can I possibly do that? I wish I could just walk away and forget these demons of my past, but unfortunately I’m forever connected because of someone I love and refuse to let go of. I feel this constant battle… I want to try for the sake of my relationship, but I don’t know how to accept and forgive without feeling as though I’m the one at fault? Why am I being punished for their wrongdoings? Why am I the one who has to put forth the effort? Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it wrong for me to not want to acknowledge them as part of my life when they are a constant reminder of the part of me that makes me hate myself? There are so many questions. I really don’t feel safe. My guard is up and my trust is low. I shouldn’t feel this way… it’s such an uneasy feeling. I don’t know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.

I never wanted to depend on anyone but myself. Honestly, the only place I want to be is with him but the sad truth is I know I will never truly be with him 100% because of the circumstance we are in. I feel betrayed but at the same time I understand his need. I will never strip him of these people he considers friends, but I don’t know how to be a part of someone’s life when the other part of him is the part that breaks me. I’m afraid that this is going to be the make or break factor in our relationship. I want to make him happy, but I feel that would be going against everything I believe it. I’d be stripping myself of my integrity… making myself vulnerable again for someone else’s sake. I’m sick of that. I’m sick of these demons. I don’t want to change who I am for someone else. I’m sick of being something I’m not so other people will accept me. I won’t do it. I’m afraid that this stubbornness is going to drive my relationship to pieces. And I will end up losing this battle after all.

So what do I do? Should I be strong, stand my ground and stay true to my beliefs? Or should I succumb to their desires? I’m afraid of getting burned again. But I guess I’ll never know unless I try.

lover's appetite

We talk like we know what’s going on, but we don’t. We don’t know anything. We’re young and we’re gonna screw-up a lot. We’re gonna keep changing our minds and even sometimes our hearts. And through all that, the only real thing we can offer each other is FORGIVENESS.

i don't know what the hell i'm doing.

fox in sox

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”

— John Quincy Adams

how to

I haven't laughed so freely and so loudly like I did tonight - in a while! Seriously, laughter is THE BEST remedy! When you need something as simple as laughter, God grants it! Then you always have to remember that he never gives you more than he KNOWS you can handle. & that is a comforting realization. Tonight I learned that I should never downplay what I've worked hard for just to fit in or to be accepted by others because true friends will let you shine and encourage you to be your very best. I know I don't know it all but I am willing to learn and I am so grateful for those who are willing to teach me. Thank you God for blessing me with your love and guidance.

my prayer

Dear God,

Please take away this envious spirit. Let me move on and not worry about what's going on in other peoples lives. Let me be happy for those around me who deserve the blessings you are granting them and still happy for those who dont. (LOL) I trust in you. Thank you for loving me despite my imperfections.

Love,
Me

(Thank you, Nyisha Causey)

old bathwater

When I was 18, I thought I had everything all figured out. I was geniunely outspoken, way too prideful and extremely hardheaded. I hated who I was. I hate the fact that that's the memory of me I left behind for so many to remember me by and because of that person I used to be, I missed out on getting to know some really great somebody's... (or so I think). Five years later you would think that I've mastered everything but I realized I don't know anything about life at all. Unfortunately, second chances are seldom granted and people will continue to judge you based on your past. My mom once told me, "Be careful what you do because it doesn't matter if you're good 90% of the time... people ALWAYS remember the bad (10%)" and she was right. I've made so many bad choices in the past. I thought I had it all under control but I was just out of control now that I look back. People make mistakes all the time and sadly, people are not as forgiving as this world needs them to be.

I would like to think that i've grown into an extremely improved version of who I used to be.. but whose job is it to judge me on that besides God? It's hard to run into someone from the past who continues to hold the idea of who you used to be against you. They don't open up to the possibility that maybe you've grown up, changed, matured... instead, they turn their cheek, brush you off, make you feel like you're unworthy of their time. I guess that's fine... I won't lie.. it hurts my pride and I start to blame myself thinking it's something I must have done but then I realized that you can't change the way people feel or act toward you so you might as well be yourself.

I'm learning to allow myself to grow. I am not the same person I was when I was 18 and I don't have it all figured out... but I want to learn. I want to let go and let God take over.

SMH

Why do people feel the need to abbreviate ALMOST every single word when speaking, typing, or texting? ie. "alrights i'ma drink my coffs (coffee) and continue my studs (studying)". Honestly, you sound idiotic. Sure, (maybe) it's funny once, or twice... but to replace the entire english language with a derivative of a word when communicating is immature. We are educated individuals, yet me make the extra effort to demonstrate ignorance and laziness in our communication skills. Why? Someone please explain to me how this new fad is taking over? In terms of leading by example, the generation beneath us is looking up to us to provide them with knowledge and guidance but we continue to steer them in the wrong direction. Grow up and please become someone worth looking up to because believe it or not, the kids are watching.

*This is my opinion and if you don't like what I have to say, then get out of here and have a nice day :)

sanctuary

With you by my side, everything in the world seems better. Good things are twice as much fun because when I share them with you, I get to see you smile... bad things are only half as bad because I know I can count on you to help me through them. With you to hold my hand, I know that I have someone who sees life a lot like I do with so much beauty, love and faith. We share the same values, dream the same dreams and I know that I have someone who understands the parts of me that other people don't even know exist. With you in my life, I know that I have everything anyone could ever want - someone who's understanding and supportive, who's fun and interesting... someone I love and who also happens to be the greatest friend I have ever known. Thank you for loving me the way you do and for all the little blessings that you bring to my life. Happy Anniversary! May we continue to grow together and love one another the way God wants us to. (May 15, 2006).

nystagmus

"She belonged to him, but he belonged to the whole world..."

On the drive home from the hospital last Monday, my gas light came on so I stopped at the nearest gas station off of La Cienega. Money has been tight lately and I was worried that I didn't have enough in my account to pay for gas. While I proceeded to swipe my card, a man approached me with windex and a dirty rag in his hands asking me if he could clean my windows for some spare change. I said "No thank you" and continued pumping my gas. He walked away and I watched him go back to his little spot under the tree while he waited for other potential customers to appear. Suddenly, I remembered I had an emergency dollar or two somewhere in my glove compartment and decided to look for it. Sure enough there was a dollar and a few coins. I thought about keeping it there just in case I might need it but I looked at the man under the tree and walked over and handed it to him. It wasn't much, but his face lit up with a smile as he said, "Thank you, Queen... God Bless you" and I smiled back and told him to have a nice day. The way his face lit up made my entire day. Something inside me clicked and made me realize that he needed it more. In retrospect it might have seemed like I lost but really, I gained so much more.

love the open road

Before I'm thirty, I'd like to set foot on all seven continents of the world. I've been contemplating life goals and I'm pretty sure one of those goals includes joining the Peace Corps for a year. William Least-Heat Moon once said, "The beauty about traveling is you are what you are, right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. There are no yesterdays on the road" :) That's comforting. I'd like to feel that free and I'd like to see the world someday.

whispers sweetly

Last Tuesday I was with a classmate on campus printing out some notes for our upcoming exam. It was late.. almost 9pm and I had been studying all day and was anxious to get home to my bed so I could rest and relax. As we were getting our things together to call it a night, an older man in the computer lab approached us. He didn't speak English very well and was strong with his approach. Naturally, my exhaustion and minimal amount of patience would have gotten the best of me and I would have acted out in a rude manner, but something told me to relax and just wait. The man was tiny... he looked tired and worn out. He had dark skin, graying hair and he wore a bright gold necklace. He asked my friend if she would read his poem. I noticed her slight irritation immediately as she took the paper from him and said "sure, i'll read it and then she (while pointing at me) will read it after". As you can imagine, I was not pleased with her volunteering me and I glanced at her unhappily.

After 5 minutes she handed me the paper and said, "Wow, that was really good..." and the man smiled. I proceeded to read the poem myself. I have to admit that my attitude before reading the poem was negative. I was irritated and wasn't being very kind to this stranger & I bet he could feel my negative vibes. By the end of reading his poem, I felt a sense of calmness... if I remember correctly, one of the last lines of his poem said something along the lines of... 'And then I hear my sins shouting and calling out to me, but then Jesus whispers sweetly into my ear, "let them go, for they are of the past and it's time to move on".... that line was beautiful and powerful. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It was exactly what I needed to realize... especially with everything that has been going on in my life.

I thanked the man for being so kind to share his art with us. And to think, I would have missed such an amazing opportunity to feel God's love and guidance in that special way had I let my negativity get the best of me! The man shared with us that he was trying to write a book full of his poetry with hopes of his work reaching out to people someday. What a refreshing feeling... to have met a stranger with such a positive impact in the 5-10 minutes of meeting him.

This whole process made me realize more that everyone is fighting their own battles... we are not the only ones going through tough times. Everyone is stressed out.. i'm not the only one. I also realized that kindness comes in all shapes, sizes and forms... we don't have to do much to show kindness to strangers or to anyone at all. I'm learning how to open myself up more. I know I have a habit of being very closed off sometimes but I don't want to live like that. I don't want to miss out on opportunities to experience simple, yet meaningful interactions such as this one. I'm still growing and learning... i want to be a better version of myself and i'm grateful for these revelations.

Live & let go.

word

"When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn't need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for all these years."

tremors

Every time the phone rings or vibrates, i close my eyes and pray that it's you.... but it never is. I can't seem to find the beauty in the small things that used make me feel alive. I feel myself going through the motions of my every day but without you it feels almost worthless. I promised you that i'd grow up, get out, get over this but it still hurts.. i think it always will.. and i miss you so much. i don't know how to handle myself.

in God's hands now..

"Life isn’t supposed to be an all or nothing battle between misery and bliss. Life isn’t supposed to be a battle at all. And when it comes to happiness, well, sometimes life is just okay, sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes wonderful, sometimes boring, sometimes unpleasant. When your day’s not perfect, it’s not a failure or a terrible loss. It’s just another day."

brewing

I finally found the first half of the book I’ve been writing since 2006… maybe now I can find time to actually finish it? This is my first entry for 2010. I tried the new spicy chicken nuggets from Wendy’s and thought it was a complete and utter failure… it’s the same as the original nugget with pepper sprinkled on top. This is the first time since the New Year that I’m alone tonight.. no family or friends around.. maybe that’s a good thing? It feels like I haven’t heard myself think in such a long time. I feel completely out of it.

This past weekend was good. It was nice to have my good friends around to keep me preoccupied… It forced me to keep it together. Not quite sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my vacation but I hope I tackle some of the things on my list.

I started that update 6 days ago and never finished. So much has happened/changed since then…

I sat at barnes and noble for a good 2 hours last night trying to read but really spent a majority of my time just writing jibberish in my journal. I cried for about the second time in this new year while I drew a picture of the chair with holes in it. The holy chair did not trigger my tears but I felt hot and flushed with embarrassment because I couldn’t stop sniffling and I’m sure the man with the mean mustache sitting behind me reading the news paper was getting irritated with my noise.

The more and more I try to convince myself that I’m doing just fine, the more foolish I feel. I’m suffering from a bi-polar sleeping pattern. It’s either I get 3 hours of sleep or 16 hours… it’s depressing. I have all these insecurities that are haunting me. I think I suffered what some might call a panic attack but I’m convinced it’s just the aches of a broken heart.

I’m angry. I need to find my peace. I wake up every morning like the cockeyed optimist that I am, hoping to make sense of what I’m doing but I get nothing. I keep praying for guidance but I feel lost. I feel defeat. I know that I have to get myself out of this dip but I can’t grasp onto anything that I feel could help me up.

My sister said I should write a letter. I don’t even know where to begin. I feel another panic attack brewing in my veins. So this is what it feels like…… it’s brutal.

i had this dream about you last night. i kept trying to hold on to you but you were fading. i don't know how to let go.

on the other side of town

Sometimes I feel more comfortable around strangers than I do around the people I know. There's something nice about not having the weight of expectation resting on your shoulders everywhere you go.

I "people watch" often... I don't do it to judge though... I do it because I'm easily fascinated with the way people move, act, speak, carry themselves, etc. Everyone is so beautiful in their own little way. I think if we just take the time to people watch and really appreciate something about someone other than focusing on something that leads you to judge them we'd all be a little happier with ourselves and our environment?

I don't know, just a thought...

swordfish

I'm supposed to be writing an academic paper right now but instead, i'm here. I'm here because there's this huge black bubble floating around in my mind... invading my thoughts. That big black bubble consists of deceit, betrayal, disbelief, sadness and confusion. It's personal... and so i'd never broadcast it over the internet for your reading pleasure but I just wanted to let you know that's what brought me here... because there's really no where else to go.

I'm afraid of how it will all turn out... i'm not talking about school.. even though that is all that seems to occupy my life right now.. but i'm talking about something deeper.. something that hits close to the heart's home. I want to be strong for my family's sake but I'm torn and I'm scared. I'm waiting for some kind of sign from God that will help me figure out exactly what i'm supposed to do... I prayed and prayed for things to get better for a long time now but it seems it has only gotten worse. How could this turn out this way?

I just want everything to be okay. I feel so sad. I'm helpless... that's the worst feeling in the world... when you watch your loved ones slowly lose themselves and there's nothing you can do but watch it happen. & I can't even be there because of fucking school.... What's going to happen... the anticipation is killing me. I just want everyone to be okay. It's going to get ugly. It has only just begun.

"If you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward you'll always be in the same place. Go get it!"

After several weeks of contemplating whether or not I should collect more recyclables, I finally got off my butt to sort out the materials and prepare them to be turned in. My sister was the one who inspired me to really start recycling. It might not seem like a big deal but, really... it is! Our world is deteriorating right before our eyes and nobody really seems to give a crap. It's almost as if "going green" is just the new fad that will eventually, just like every other fad, wither away. I hope I'm wrong.

School has been extremely tough. It only seems like it's going to get busier and harder as the weeks progress but secretly, I LOVE IT! What would I be doing with myself right now if I didn't have school? Thank God for education! I love the new friendships and relationships i'm building with the other students in my cohort. It's good to be around people who enjoy learning as much as I do and who can having fun while doing it. I'm hopeful.

I had quite a few things to say but now I can't seem to remember what they were. So i'll cut this short and reconvene with you all later. Ta-ta!