on the other side of town

Sometimes I feel more comfortable around strangers than I do around the people I know. There's something nice about not having the weight of expectation resting on your shoulders everywhere you go.

I "people watch" often... I don't do it to judge though... I do it because I'm easily fascinated with the way people move, act, speak, carry themselves, etc. Everyone is so beautiful in their own little way. I think if we just take the time to people watch and really appreciate something about someone other than focusing on something that leads you to judge them we'd all be a little happier with ourselves and our environment?

I don't know, just a thought...

swordfish

I'm supposed to be writing an academic paper right now but instead, i'm here. I'm here because there's this huge black bubble floating around in my mind... invading my thoughts. That big black bubble consists of deceit, betrayal, disbelief, sadness and confusion. It's personal... and so i'd never broadcast it over the internet for your reading pleasure but I just wanted to let you know that's what brought me here... because there's really no where else to go.

I'm afraid of how it will all turn out... i'm not talking about school.. even though that is all that seems to occupy my life right now.. but i'm talking about something deeper.. something that hits close to the heart's home. I want to be strong for my family's sake but I'm torn and I'm scared. I'm waiting for some kind of sign from God that will help me figure out exactly what i'm supposed to do... I prayed and prayed for things to get better for a long time now but it seems it has only gotten worse. How could this turn out this way?

I just want everything to be okay. I feel so sad. I'm helpless... that's the worst feeling in the world... when you watch your loved ones slowly lose themselves and there's nothing you can do but watch it happen. & I can't even be there because of fucking school.... What's going to happen... the anticipation is killing me. I just want everyone to be okay. It's going to get ugly. It has only just begun.

"If you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward you'll always be in the same place. Go get it!"

After several weeks of contemplating whether or not I should collect more recyclables, I finally got off my butt to sort out the materials and prepare them to be turned in. My sister was the one who inspired me to really start recycling. It might not seem like a big deal but, really... it is! Our world is deteriorating right before our eyes and nobody really seems to give a crap. It's almost as if "going green" is just the new fad that will eventually, just like every other fad, wither away. I hope I'm wrong.

School has been extremely tough. It only seems like it's going to get busier and harder as the weeks progress but secretly, I LOVE IT! What would I be doing with myself right now if I didn't have school? Thank God for education! I love the new friendships and relationships i'm building with the other students in my cohort. It's good to be around people who enjoy learning as much as I do and who can having fun while doing it. I'm hopeful.

I had quite a few things to say but now I can't seem to remember what they were. So i'll cut this short and reconvene with you all later. Ta-ta!

insufficient funds

"Stay committed to your decision but flexible in your approach"

I am on a money diet. No joke. I'm not sure how I will pay for next month's rent yet but it's going to happen. Financial aid has yet to disperse but until that day comes, i'll be flat out ultra broke. 

I've been questioning loyalty a lot lately.  I don't have many people in my life who are loyal. Even my closest friends aren't as loyal as I expect them to be. Maybe that's my fault for not being too vocal about the issue but I wish people had the decency to know what being a good friend entails. 

On another note. I believe that when you're truly sorry for something you did or didn't do, there should be no stopping you from apologizing. Pride set aside, when you're truly seeking forgiveness you do whatever it takes to make the wrongs - right. People who are waiting to say sorry either don't really care too much about it or don't feel accountable for the situation when clearly it's their fault. If you're waiting for the right time, you'll be waiting forever. Time waits for no one. If you're sincere, it will come out naturally. 

Even through all the hustle and bustle of grad school, i've been trying to find a way to balance out of my life between studying and making time for myself. So far it has been a success. No, I don't party as much as I used to but I also don't lock myself up in my room and spend forever studying either. I've been feeling a lot more healthier - emotionally and I think that has helped me find that balance in life. Grad school is so much more exciting than undergrad. It's refreshing to be in a room full of people who share the same passion for learning as you and everyone is there to help each other out... no one is left behind.  

On another note, my Lola passed away this last Tuesday. It really hasn't hit me yet but i'm sure it will come this weekend. I'm scared. I'm glad that I had a chance to say my goodbyes 2 weeks ago.... and the doctors had already prepared us for the outcome. So in a sense you can say it made it all a little bit easier to accept but it still hurts like hell nonetheless. I trust that she is in the Lord's care now and with my Lolo in heaven. R.I.P. Lola. We love you.

it's dangerous.

My housemate's boyfriend's best friend committed suicide yesterday... and although I didn't know him it made me angry and sad inside because that's another person who gave up on himself. I wish he could have seen that living is always the better choice regardless of the circumstance.. because "God will make you walk through hell before he lets you into heaven"... but I know from experience that it's not always that easy.

 I was angry with myself because although I do my best to practice forgiveness, I somehow let those hateful words and actions that were targeted toward me in the past hurt me still -- even today. And I want to hate you because you make the pain I feel and all the insecurities I have come to life.... I feel small in your presence and I shut down because I promised myself I'd be civil and choose peace. It's hard to be the "bigger person" when you feel so insignificant. All I can do is swallow my pride so that it's comfortable for everyone else.. it sucks. It sucks even more because you don't know how words can affect someone.. words truly cut deep and trigger emotions.. it doesn't matter how many years has passed by... people may forget what you said or did but they'll never forget how you made them feel.  

...may he rest in peace and may his friends and family have the support and love they need in this crucial time. 

mary mary quite contrary

i'm guilty as charged. i'm a flower picker -- i can't help it. it's a habit i've had since i was little. it's super cliche to say that i love flowers... but i really do. they make me happy. and i love picking flowers and giving them to people i love. i stole a flower from the ride "it's a small world" at disneyland and gave it to one of my best friends and she smiled and that made me hella happy. 

i realized that my favorite part of the day is when the sky is orange and purple and everything under the sky is black. it's the most beautiful sight-- ever. 

rhod makes me happy. our love is not perfect but it's a good love. the kind that keeps me on my toes and helps me appreciate the small things in life... the kinds of things people tend to forget about until you find that person who makes everything.... EVERYTHING.. worth while. 

i read this on someone's status the other day and thought it was worth posting again... here it goes... “Don’t be jealous— be friendly towards those who are happy. Be compassionate towards those who are suffering. Be inspired by people doing admirable things. Don’t judge the wrongdoings of others. This will keep the calmness of the mind.”

scruff mcgruff

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. Fear is never a reason for quitting; it is only an excuse." - unknown

Today I stood on a glass balcony on the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower.  I was wobbly at first but then I did it... it was exhilarating. Every time I think about how it felt to be up there and how I WASN'T afraid - afterall, makes me smile.. because now know that I can do it.. and I'm not just talking about overcoming my fear of heights... it's so much more than that. ;)