word

"When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn't need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for all these years."

tremors

Every time the phone rings or vibrates, i close my eyes and pray that it's you.... but it never is. I can't seem to find the beauty in the small things that used make me feel alive. I feel myself going through the motions of my every day but without you it feels almost worthless. I promised you that i'd grow up, get out, get over this but it still hurts.. i think it always will.. and i miss you so much. i don't know how to handle myself.

in God's hands now..

"Life isn’t supposed to be an all or nothing battle between misery and bliss. Life isn’t supposed to be a battle at all. And when it comes to happiness, well, sometimes life is just okay, sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes wonderful, sometimes boring, sometimes unpleasant. When your day’s not perfect, it’s not a failure or a terrible loss. It’s just another day."

brewing

I finally found the first half of the book I’ve been writing since 2006… maybe now I can find time to actually finish it? This is my first entry for 2010. I tried the new spicy chicken nuggets from Wendy’s and thought it was a complete and utter failure… it’s the same as the original nugget with pepper sprinkled on top. This is the first time since the New Year that I’m alone tonight.. no family or friends around.. maybe that’s a good thing? It feels like I haven’t heard myself think in such a long time. I feel completely out of it.

This past weekend was good. It was nice to have my good friends around to keep me preoccupied… It forced me to keep it together. Not quite sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my vacation but I hope I tackle some of the things on my list.

I started that update 6 days ago and never finished. So much has happened/changed since then…

I sat at barnes and noble for a good 2 hours last night trying to read but really spent a majority of my time just writing jibberish in my journal. I cried for about the second time in this new year while I drew a picture of the chair with holes in it. The holy chair did not trigger my tears but I felt hot and flushed with embarrassment because I couldn’t stop sniffling and I’m sure the man with the mean mustache sitting behind me reading the news paper was getting irritated with my noise.

The more and more I try to convince myself that I’m doing just fine, the more foolish I feel. I’m suffering from a bi-polar sleeping pattern. It’s either I get 3 hours of sleep or 16 hours… it’s depressing. I have all these insecurities that are haunting me. I think I suffered what some might call a panic attack but I’m convinced it’s just the aches of a broken heart.

I’m angry. I need to find my peace. I wake up every morning like the cockeyed optimist that I am, hoping to make sense of what I’m doing but I get nothing. I keep praying for guidance but I feel lost. I feel defeat. I know that I have to get myself out of this dip but I can’t grasp onto anything that I feel could help me up.

My sister said I should write a letter. I don’t even know where to begin. I feel another panic attack brewing in my veins. So this is what it feels like…… it’s brutal.

i had this dream about you last night. i kept trying to hold on to you but you were fading. i don't know how to let go.

on the other side of town

Sometimes I feel more comfortable around strangers than I do around the people I know. There's something nice about not having the weight of expectation resting on your shoulders everywhere you go.

I "people watch" often... I don't do it to judge though... I do it because I'm easily fascinated with the way people move, act, speak, carry themselves, etc. Everyone is so beautiful in their own little way. I think if we just take the time to people watch and really appreciate something about someone other than focusing on something that leads you to judge them we'd all be a little happier with ourselves and our environment?

I don't know, just a thought...

swordfish

I'm supposed to be writing an academic paper right now but instead, i'm here. I'm here because there's this huge black bubble floating around in my mind... invading my thoughts. That big black bubble consists of deceit, betrayal, disbelief, sadness and confusion. It's personal... and so i'd never broadcast it over the internet for your reading pleasure but I just wanted to let you know that's what brought me here... because there's really no where else to go.

I'm afraid of how it will all turn out... i'm not talking about school.. even though that is all that seems to occupy my life right now.. but i'm talking about something deeper.. something that hits close to the heart's home. I want to be strong for my family's sake but I'm torn and I'm scared. I'm waiting for some kind of sign from God that will help me figure out exactly what i'm supposed to do... I prayed and prayed for things to get better for a long time now but it seems it has only gotten worse. How could this turn out this way?

I just want everything to be okay. I feel so sad. I'm helpless... that's the worst feeling in the world... when you watch your loved ones slowly lose themselves and there's nothing you can do but watch it happen. & I can't even be there because of fucking school.... What's going to happen... the anticipation is killing me. I just want everyone to be okay. It's going to get ugly. It has only just begun.

"If you don't go after what you want you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward you'll always be in the same place. Go get it!"

After several weeks of contemplating whether or not I should collect more recyclables, I finally got off my butt to sort out the materials and prepare them to be turned in. My sister was the one who inspired me to really start recycling. It might not seem like a big deal but, really... it is! Our world is deteriorating right before our eyes and nobody really seems to give a crap. It's almost as if "going green" is just the new fad that will eventually, just like every other fad, wither away. I hope I'm wrong.

School has been extremely tough. It only seems like it's going to get busier and harder as the weeks progress but secretly, I LOVE IT! What would I be doing with myself right now if I didn't have school? Thank God for education! I love the new friendships and relationships i'm building with the other students in my cohort. It's good to be around people who enjoy learning as much as I do and who can having fun while doing it. I'm hopeful.

I had quite a few things to say but now I can't seem to remember what they were. So i'll cut this short and reconvene with you all later. Ta-ta!