Sunday, January 24, 2010

tremors


Every time the phone rings or vibrates, i close my eyes and pray that it's you.... but it never is. I can't seem to find the beauty in the small things that used make me feel alive. I feel myself going through the motions of my every day but without you it feels almost worthless. I promised you that i'd grow up, get out, get over this but it still hurts.. i think it always will.. and i miss you so much. i don't know how to handle myself.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

in God's hands now..


"Life isn’t supposed to be an all or nothing battle between misery and bliss. Life isn’t supposed to be a battle at all. And when it comes to happiness, well, sometimes life is just okay, sometimes it’s comfortable, sometimes wonderful, sometimes boring, sometimes unpleasant. When your day’s not perfect, it’s not a failure or a terrible loss. It’s just another day."

Monday, January 18, 2010

brewing

I finally found the first half of the book I’ve been writing since 2006… maybe now I can find time to actually finish it? This is my first entry for 2010. I tried the new spicy chicken nuggets from Wendy’s and thought it was a complete and utter failure… it’s the same as the original nugget with pepper sprinkled on top. This is the first time since the New Year that I’m alone tonight.. no family or friends around.. maybe that’s a good thing? It feels like I haven’t heard myself think in such a long time. I feel completely out of it.

This past weekend was good. It was nice to have my good friends around to keep me preoccupied… It forced me to keep it together. Not quite sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my vacation but I hope I tackle some of the things on my list.

I started that update 6 days ago and never finished. So much has happened/changed since then…

I sat at barnes and noble for a good 2 hours last night trying to read but really spent a majority of my time just writing jibberish in my journal. I cried for about the second time in this new year while I drew a picture of the chair with holes in it. The holy chair did not trigger my tears but I felt hot and flushed with embarrassment because I couldn’t stop sniffling and I’m sure the man with the mean mustache sitting behind me reading the news paper was getting irritated with my noise.

The more and more I try to convince myself that I’m doing just fine, the more foolish I feel. I’m suffering from a bi-polar sleeping pattern. It’s either I get 3 hours of sleep or 16 hours… it’s depressing. I have all these insecurities that are haunting me. I think I suffered what some might call a panic attack but I’m convinced it’s just the aches of a broken heart.

I’m angry. I need to find my peace. I wake up every morning like the cockeyed optimist that I am, hoping to make sense of what I’m doing but I get nothing. I keep praying for guidance but I feel lost. I feel defeat. I know that I have to get myself out of this dip but I can’t grasp onto anything that I feel could help me up.

My sister said I should write a letter. I don’t even know where to begin. I feel another panic attack brewing in my veins. So this is what it feels like…… it’s brutal.

i had this dream about you last night. i kept trying to hold on to you but you were fading. i don't know how to let go.