swordfish

I'm supposed to be writing an academic paper right now but instead, i'm here. I'm here because there's this huge black bubble floating around in my mind... invading my thoughts. That big black bubble consists of deceit, betrayal, disbelief, sadness and confusion. It's personal... and so i'd never broadcast it over the internet for your reading pleasure but I just wanted to let you know that's what brought me here... because there's really no where else to go.

I'm afraid of how it will all turn out... i'm not talking about school.. even though that is all that seems to occupy my life right now.. but i'm talking about something deeper.. something that hits close to the heart's home. I want to be strong for my family's sake but I'm torn and I'm scared. I'm waiting for some kind of sign from God that will help me figure out exactly what i'm supposed to do... I prayed and prayed for things to get better for a long time now but it seems it has only gotten worse. How could this turn out this way?

I just want everything to be okay. I feel so sad. I'm helpless... that's the worst feeling in the world... when you watch your loved ones slowly lose themselves and there's nothing you can do but watch it happen. & I can't even be there because of fucking school.... What's going to happen... the anticipation is killing me. I just want everyone to be okay. It's going to get ugly. It has only just begun.