insufficient funds

"Stay committed to your decision but flexible in your approach"

I am on a money diet. No joke. I'm not sure how I will pay for next month's rent yet but it's going to happen. Financial aid has yet to disperse but until that day comes, i'll be flat out ultra broke. 

I've been questioning loyalty a lot lately.  I don't have many people in my life who are loyal. Even my closest friends aren't as loyal as I expect them to be. Maybe that's my fault for not being too vocal about the issue but I wish people had the decency to know what being a good friend entails. 

On another note. I believe that when you're truly sorry for something you did or didn't do, there should be no stopping you from apologizing. Pride set aside, when you're truly seeking forgiveness you do whatever it takes to make the wrongs - right. People who are waiting to say sorry either don't really care too much about it or don't feel accountable for the situation when clearly it's their fault. If you're waiting for the right time, you'll be waiting forever. Time waits for no one. If you're sincere, it will come out naturally. 

Even through all the hustle and bustle of grad school, i've been trying to find a way to balance out of my life between studying and making time for myself. So far it has been a success. No, I don't party as much as I used to but I also don't lock myself up in my room and spend forever studying either. I've been feeling a lot more healthier - emotionally and I think that has helped me find that balance in life. Grad school is so much more exciting than undergrad. It's refreshing to be in a room full of people who share the same passion for learning as you and everyone is there to help each other out... no one is left behind.  

On another note, my Lola passed away this last Tuesday. It really hasn't hit me yet but i'm sure it will come this weekend. I'm scared. I'm glad that I had a chance to say my goodbyes 2 weeks ago.... and the doctors had already prepared us for the outcome. So in a sense you can say it made it all a little bit easier to accept but it still hurts like hell nonetheless. I trust that she is in the Lord's care now and with my Lolo in heaven. R.I.P. Lola. We love you.

it's dangerous.

My housemate's boyfriend's best friend committed suicide yesterday... and although I didn't know him it made me angry and sad inside because that's another person who gave up on himself. I wish he could have seen that living is always the better choice regardless of the circumstance.. because "God will make you walk through hell before he lets you into heaven"... but I know from experience that it's not always that easy.

 I was angry with myself because although I do my best to practice forgiveness, I somehow let those hateful words and actions that were targeted toward me in the past hurt me still -- even today. And I want to hate you because you make the pain I feel and all the insecurities I have come to life.... I feel small in your presence and I shut down because I promised myself I'd be civil and choose peace. It's hard to be the "bigger person" when you feel so insignificant. All I can do is swallow my pride so that it's comfortable for everyone else.. it sucks. It sucks even more because you don't know how words can affect someone.. words truly cut deep and trigger emotions.. it doesn't matter how many years has passed by... people may forget what you said or did but they'll never forget how you made them feel.  

...may he rest in peace and may his friends and family have the support and love they need in this crucial time.