insufficient funds

"Stay committed to your decision but flexible in your approach"

I am on a money diet. No joke. I'm not sure how I will pay for next month's rent yet but it's going to happen. Financial aid has yet to disperse but until that day comes, i'll be flat out ultra broke. 

I've been questioning loyalty a lot lately.  I don't have many people in my life who are loyal. Even my closest friends aren't as loyal as I expect them to be. Maybe that's my fault for not being too vocal about the issue but I wish people had the decency to know what being a good friend entails. 

On another note. I believe that when you're truly sorry for something you did or didn't do, there should be no stopping you from apologizing. Pride set aside, when you're truly seeking forgiveness you do whatever it takes to make the wrongs - right. People who are waiting to say sorry either don't really care too much about it or don't feel accountable for the situation when clearly it's their fault. If you're waiting for the right time, you'll be waiting forever. Time waits for no one. If you're sincere, it will come out naturally. 

Even through all the hustle and bustle of grad school, i've been trying to find a way to balance out of my life between studying and making time for myself. So far it has been a success. No, I don't party as much as I used to but I also don't lock myself up in my room and spend forever studying either. I've been feeling a lot more healthier - emotionally and I think that has helped me find that balance in life. Grad school is so much more exciting than undergrad. It's refreshing to be in a room full of people who share the same passion for learning as you and everyone is there to help each other out... no one is left behind.  

On another note, my Lola passed away this last Tuesday. It really hasn't hit me yet but i'm sure it will come this weekend. I'm scared. I'm glad that I had a chance to say my goodbyes 2 weeks ago.... and the doctors had already prepared us for the outcome. So in a sense you can say it made it all a little bit easier to accept but it still hurts like hell nonetheless. I trust that she is in the Lord's care now and with my Lolo in heaven. R.I.P. Lola. We love you.

it's dangerous.

My housemate's boyfriend's best friend committed suicide yesterday... and although I didn't know him it made me angry and sad inside because that's another person who gave up on himself. I wish he could have seen that living is always the better choice regardless of the circumstance.. because "God will make you walk through hell before he lets you into heaven"... but I know from experience that it's not always that easy.

 I was angry with myself because although I do my best to practice forgiveness, I somehow let those hateful words and actions that were targeted toward me in the past hurt me still -- even today. And I want to hate you because you make the pain I feel and all the insecurities I have come to life.... I feel small in your presence and I shut down because I promised myself I'd be civil and choose peace. It's hard to be the "bigger person" when you feel so insignificant. All I can do is swallow my pride so that it's comfortable for everyone else.. it sucks. It sucks even more because you don't know how words can affect someone.. words truly cut deep and trigger emotions.. it doesn't matter how many years has passed by... people may forget what you said or did but they'll never forget how you made them feel.  

...may he rest in peace and may his friends and family have the support and love they need in this crucial time. 

mary mary quite contrary

i'm guilty as charged. i'm a flower picker -- i can't help it. it's a habit i've had since i was little. it's super cliche to say that i love flowers... but i really do. they make me happy. and i love picking flowers and giving them to people i love. i stole a flower from the ride "it's a small world" at disneyland and gave it to one of my best friends and she smiled and that made me hella happy. 

i realized that my favorite part of the day is when the sky is orange and purple and everything under the sky is black. it's the most beautiful sight-- ever. 

rhod makes me happy. our love is not perfect but it's a good love. the kind that keeps me on my toes and helps me appreciate the small things in life... the kinds of things people tend to forget about until you find that person who makes everything.... EVERYTHING.. worth while. 

i read this on someone's status the other day and thought it was worth posting again... here it goes... “Don’t be jealous— be friendly towards those who are happy. Be compassionate towards those who are suffering. Be inspired by people doing admirable things. Don’t judge the wrongdoings of others. This will keep the calmness of the mind.”

scruff mcgruff

"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. Fear is never a reason for quitting; it is only an excuse." - unknown

Today I stood on a glass balcony on the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower.  I was wobbly at first but then I did it... it was exhilarating. Every time I think about how it felt to be up there and how I WASN'T afraid - afterall, makes me smile.. because now know that I can do it.. and I'm not just talking about overcoming my fear of heights... it's so much more than that. ;)    

insidious thoughts

"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind... the race is long, but in the end, it's only with yourself" -B. Lurhman

I'm not an expert on these types of things but all I really know is that I am a dependable person. And although many might consider that to be a strong trait to have, I feel like it one of my biggest weaknesses. 

People know they can count on me for a lot of things so a lot of the times they call on me to help them fix their problems or even when they just want or need something to be done. It should be flattering, really... but half the time it's not... because as much as I love to help those who need it, I've come to realize that some of those people who ask are looking for an easier way to get what they want and really just taking advantage of my knowledge/experience.

I've come to recognize that some of those "friends" really aren't friends at all. In fact, they are anything but a friend... they use people like me to "one-up" (for lack of a better term) their status in society. That's foul... and I know that life is not fair but I definitely do not agree with foul play.  

Friends care how life is like on both sides of the fence.. yours and theirs.. not just theirs. They care to ask how your life has been, too. There's no problem with doing your own thing but don't use other people to get to where you want to be. "Cheaters never prosper" and if you've cheated a friend to help you get ahead in your career or educational goals, it will come back and bite you in the ass because all the people you meet on your way up in this world are the same people you'll meet on your way down so don't take advantage and don't be inconsiderate. Sometimes all someone wants/needs to hear is "How are you?" just to know that someone cares to even ask how their day is going can make a difference.

i haven't blogged in a while but this has been a recurring theme within these past couple weeks. 

deprevation

I just smashed two ants that I found crawling around on my desk. This is how I know summertime is creeping around the corner. Ants want to live on the inside so they don't fry to death on the outside. Too bad I'm a big mean ant smasher. Please don't tell my students.. 

Last week, they picketed out on the field, raving "Save the Ants! Save the Ants! Save the Ants!" with little signs made out of construction paper out on the soccer field. They were highly disturbed that the principal ordered toxins to be poured out on the grass to kill the dangerous fire red ants swarming around the children's play area. I thought it was very cute that they did that... although it was a little sad that their efforts did not pay off in the end. Safety first... that's a hard concept to grasp when you're young, innocent and free.

On another note, I've decided to stop depriving myself from doing things that make me happy. For instance, I stopped watching Grey's Anatomy after the 3rd season when I left Santa Cruz because it was so bittersweet to watch the show w/o my housemates and all alone... so I haven't seen an episode since Burke left Christina at the altar (2007).... Last night, I found a website that had all the episodes for seasons 4 & 5 and I've decided that I'm going to continue watching even if i have to watch alone because I shouldn't have to deprive myself from a show I love.. I deserve it. Coincidentally, the first episode of Season 4 was called "A Change is Gonna Come"... how appropriate for this day in age :)

freewheeling

"When you change the way you look at things, the thing you're looking at changes..." -unknown.

There's so much truth in this one caption. When I think about where life has taken me in the past 2,3, and even 4 years, i realize that it all happened so that i could become a better and stronger version on me. I wish I could help those who feel lost/confused/alone/etc. and let them know that they will BE OKAY. There's so many blessings in each of our lives and if we just open ourselves up to the beauty in even the smallest and simplest part of our surroundings, we would realize it. The past couple weeks I've learned to let go and accept my life... i've learned to be thankful for what my life is and is not and I've been the happiest I've been in a long time.